I'd Wait For Life
by Saiesaie
Summary: “When I went away…I told myself that I wouldn’t miss you. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t need you…”. To her grieving was like being lost in a long, dark tunnel. With no hope of finding her way out. But what if he could save her? Could he lead her out? AU fic
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello again people! I'm back :) So... this is my new story, it's a bit different! I've just come back from my holiday in Florida to find out I have an I.S.T.D. (dancing) exam to prepare for, so 90 of my time is taken up by that. Also, it's my birthday tomorrow so my weekend is full of going out with my friends (their treat!) and seeing my family. That's just a warning to say that this story may not be updated until at least next week!**

**At least it's the summer holidays, which means I have a lot more time to myself. But when school starts again, updates will be few and far between (sorry!). This is the year of my Standard Grade exams (help!) so I have lots of studying, homework, preparation etc...**

**Anyway, enough of the rant. Enjoy!**

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* * *

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"Hello, Yabbie Creek Police Station. How may I help you?" Jack answered the phone, secretly longing for the phone call to be an emergency, anything to stop him having to go off shift to his troubled home.

"What is it Holden?" McGrath asked from the other side of the desk, searching for an answer on the worried expression now setting in on the Constable's face.

Jack pressed his finger against his lips, signalling for quiet. He couldn't quite make out the voice on the other end of the line; it was full of sheer terror. Listening intently, he scribbled down a few scrawling notes on the blank notepad in front of him, trying to make as much sense of the call as he could.

"We have to go. Get some back up, NOW!" Jack shouted so his voice projected across the room, reaching the ears of passing officers.

McGrath didn't argue. There was a sense of urgency in his colleague's voice that he had never heard before, a hint of sadness as well.

* * *

Jack looked on at the scene in front of him. He couldn't see the sight of cars sprawled across the road, or the fire engines and ambulances that parked beside him. He couldn't hear the sirens blaring or the screams of people trapped inside cars. All he could see was tragedy. For the first time in his life, he didn't think of his job, his duties, or anything else for that matter, he just stood still, feeling helpless.

His face had been drained of any sign of colour and, despite the heat of the summer sun beating down on his back and irritating his eyes; he went cold, like ice.

Sure, he was used to seeing scenes like this, watching families lives being destroyed as he told them of the horrors that had happened to a loved one. But when it was personal, it was like his mind shut down, and the blood ran cold through his veins. He wasn't really sure what to do, cry for the loss of life, the loss of a friend, or be professional and emotionless, cold-hearted and unaffected.

Sparks flew from a familiar car as they cut a body from the wreckage, a life-less body. He curled his knuckles deep into his palms, causing his circulation to be cut off, bringing the palest shade of white to the clammy skin over his fingers.

He stood just behind the police tape – a mere silhouette in the background, standing before the sunset that was now starting to bring deep oranges to the once blue sky.

Showing his emotions was never one of Jack's strong points, but he couldn't help show his anger towards the man that caused the accident. He was already safely in hospital, being treated for his barely visible injuries as his victims were being carried away in body bags. Was this what the world was coming to?

* * *

"Jack, son. We really need to start getting in touch with the family; they have a right to know. I'm happy to do it, but I know you'll want to tell Martha, would you like-" 

"I'll do it," Jack interrupted McGrath, shrugging his Sergeant's comforting hand away from his shoulder.

Two hours had passed since he arrived at the scene, and he still hadn't moved from the spot he had watched on from. Memories from the past years that they had been friends flooded back into his mind, good and bad, fun and sad.

"Only if you're sure, Holden. I know you're close to his wife. It's not even been a year since they were married hasn't it?" McGrath asked, desperately wanting the young man in front of him to speak, letting him know that he wasn't completely spaced out.

"Ten months, today," Jack said after figuring it out. The day was still crystal clear in his head, the laughter, the dancing, the drunken bucks night before the day and the blushing bride along with the glowing groom. They had both been so happy on that day. After all the hell they had been through to get there, they were finally moving forward. Neither of them deserved this.

However selfish it was, Jack wondered why a tragedy like this couldn't happen to one of the repulsive criminals he arrested each day for crimes like murder, rape, man-slaughter, burglary, kidnapping; the list was endless. Instead, it happened to a man who was happy with what he had, a loving family, a beautiful wife, great friends and a part in such a close-knit community. He pushed himself to his very best, and always put others before himself. God help anyone who hurt his family, he'd do anything to protect them. If only they could have done something to protect him, keep him safe from all of this. It was too late now.

* * *

The drive home was the worst. He hated this part of the day anyway; going home was always a chore. In fact, it was now less appealing than going to work ever used to be. Ever since Martha found out that she was unable to have a baby, their marriage hadn't been the same. Just over a year after they first broke up, they got back together again, called a truce. Then when Martha finally decided she wanted to start a family, Jack was ecstatic. But they never did manage to have a baby. The doctor had told them that Martha's fertility had been seriously damaged after her abortion of Ash's baby. Since then, the husband and wife had been cold and distant with each other, spending time with their friends instead of with each other. Forced to take sides, their friends reluctantly went along with it and things have never been the same. 

How was he supposed to do this? It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. The only thing he could compare it to, was when he had to watch his dad realize that Beth had died, in a similar crash to the one he had just been at. He would have to crush so many people's hearts when he got there. The worst thing was that no one would be expecting it; he wasn't expected home for another couple of hours.

'Welcome to Summer Bay', the sign read, as Jack's patrol car drove past it slowly. In a few moments the town was to be at a standstill, and a poor girl's heart was going to be broken.

* * *

**_'To Where You Are'_**

_Who can say for certain  
Maybe you're still here  
I feel you all around me  
Your memories so clear_

_Deep in the stillness  
I can hear you speak  
You're still an inspiration  
Can it be  
That you are mine  
Forever love  
And you are watching over me from up above_

_Fly me up to where you are  
Beyond the distant star  
I wish upon tonight  
To see you smile  
If only for awhile to know you're there  
A breath away's not far  
To where you are_

_Are you gently sleeping  
Here inside my dream  
And isn't faith believing  
All power can't be seen_

_As my heart holds you  
Just one beat away  
I cherish all you gave me everyday  
'Cause you are mine  
Forever love  
Watching me from up above_

_And I believe  
That angels breathe  
And that love will live on and never leave_

_Fly me up  
To where you are  
Beyond the distant star  
I wish upon tonight  
To see you smile  
If only for awhile  
To know you're there  
A breath away's not far  
To where you are_

_I know you're there  
A breath away's not far  
To where you are_

_**Sung by 'Josh Groban'**_

* * *

**Next time: Jack breaks the news to the victim's wife and his family. But who is it?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: No reviews guys :( Was it really that bad? Anyway, on with the next one...**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

"Jack! Hiya! I wasn't expecting you, come on in," the cheerful Matilda opened the door into her beach house. It was right on the beach, a perfect spot, especially in summer. Waking up to sea-views every morning was perfect. Matilda always thought it would also be an ideal house when she and Ric started a family.

Jack examined Mattie's smile, it was just as beautiful as it always was. Her hair bounced around at her back, shimmering in the light. She was always so bubbly and happy, and Jack admired her for it.

"Ric's not going to be back for a while yet… some sort of meeting or something. I kind of tune out when he starts talking about work," Matilda smiled, looking at Jack's police uniform. "A bit like Martha does with you I expect."

"Yeah… Look Mattie, I'm not here for a personal visit…" Jack trailed off, how could he tell someone so happy that her husband had died?

"Oh God," she laughed. "What's Ric done now?" she joked.

"Tilly, you better sit down." Jack's voice was hoarse from the crying he had done before. His eyes were droopy and his nose was running.

Matilda frowned, a look of concern spread across her face.

"Okay. Jack what's going on?" she said in her usual soft-spoken voice as she sat down gracefully on the couch.

"There's been an accident-" Jack began before he was interrupted.

"What sort of accident, Jack?" her smile was gone.

"It's Ric, there was a car accident on Yabbie Creek Road…"

"And he's okay, right?" her voice was barely a whisper now.

"Matilda I'm sorry, he was gone before the ambos arrived."

"What do you mean _gone_?" a sense of terror was present in her voice, as her hands and legs started to shake.

"Mattie, I'm sorry. He's dead…"

"No, you're lying. He wouldn't leave me right now," Mattie tried to convince herself.

"I'm sorry-"

"No Jack! It must have been someone else. Ric phoned me this afternoon and he was fine," she was shaking her head violently now and her face was red from shock.

"It was just two hours ago, Mattie. I really am sorry."

"Fine, you believe what you want to believe. Just go now." She spoke violently for the first time, pointing to the door, signalling for Jack to leave.

"Tilly?"

"Goodbye Jack."

As he walked towards the door he looked back at Matilda. There were no tears, just pure sadness visible in her eyes. Now he had to go and tell the rest of Ric's family. Including, his wife, Martha.

* * *

It was 2am and Jack had become fed up with all the tossing and turning he had done to try and get to sleep, there was no point, the days events still remained clear in his head and he wasn't going to forget them in a hurry. 

Sally and Brad were devastated when he had told them. Brad had become like a father to Ric and they had gotten so close since he married Sal. Sally just collapsed into a chair, then curled up and cried, wishing for this all to be a dream. Cassie ran out of the house and into one of the vans with Geoff, her boyfriend, running right behind her.

Mr. Stewart reacted similarly to Brad. Deep astonishment filled his face and he struggled to hold the tears in.

Then there was Pippa. She was only seven, but she still understood. Jack broke down as he watched tears well up in her eyes and fall gently down her cheeks. Who was going to support _her_ and be there for _her_? Everyone else was affected as well.

* * *

Martha took the news awfully hard. Jack had held her as she broke down in his arms, sobs escaping after every word she uttered. They were close cousins, and best friends. It must have been horrible to have that sort of thing sprung on you like that. At least Jack knew what was what, Martha had no idea. 

What still confused Jack though, was Matilda's reaction. She was in love Ric and they were married. So why was she the one that didn't shed a tear when she found out? Why did she refuse to believe him?

Matilda was basically Jack's sister; in fact, his dad had raised her as his own once Beth had died. He lived with her at one stage and she really became family to him.

Ric was also one of Jack's best mates, after he and Martha got married; Ric became his cousin as well. He'd go out on guys' night outs with him and he would never turn down the chance for a surf. It didn't seem real that he was gone and there would be no way of doing these things again.

In the morning, he would head back over to Matilda's house. She didn't need to be alone right now, what she needed now was a big brother to seek comfort in, and he was going to be there. He knew how hard it was to lose someone you love; he lost his mum as a child, and regretted every word he never managed to say to her. Grief was the worst possible pain a person could be inflicted with, he'd never wish it on anyone.

* * *

_'_**_Against All Odds'_ **

How can you just walk away from me,  
When all I can do is watch you leave  
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain,  
And even shared the tears  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,  
'Cause there's just an empty space  
And there's nothing left here to remind me,  
Just the memory of your face  
Take a look at me now,  
'Cause there's just an empty space  
And you coming back to me  
Is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,  
Turn around and see me cry  
There's so much I need to say to you,  
So many reasons why  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,  
'Cause there's just an empty space  
And there's nothing left here to remind me,  
Just the memory of your face  
Take a look at me now,  
'Cause there's just an empty space  
But to wait for you,  
Well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face  
Take a good look at me now,  
'Cause I'll still be standing here  
And you coming back to me is against all odds  
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oh

_Sung by 'Phil Collins'_

* * *

**Next Chapter: Matilda breaks down and confides in Jack.**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for the reviews guys! It means a lot. Sorry about killing Ric, it seriously pained me to do it, lol! About the couples in this story... I'm not too sure yet. When it was still in planning I thought it would end up being a Jack/Mattie fic, but now I don't know as it would be a bit too soon for Matilda to move on after Ric. So I'm still deciding!

* * *

**Chapter 3**

"Hey, how are you?" Jack said sympathetically as Matilda opened her front door. She gave no reply. Just a cold glare. He had never seen a frown stay in place on her face for so long before, she had always been a naturally cheerful person.

It was the same as the night before though, no tears were present. Looking at her body language and in her eyes though, he could see that she was broken inside, depressed and miserable.

"Tilly, answer me. How are you?" he may have been persistent, but he had to be. He just had to know she was all right. All he could think about as he lay in bed the night before was what she was going through. Not about his wife's misery or his own. Just Matilda's.

"I'm alone," was all she replied, flatly.

"You know he's up there watching you, don't you? He's looking out for you."

"Oh, don't start that bull, I had enough of it from Sal last night. Then from Irene this morning and Henry on the phone. You don't believe in the whole life after death crap as well, do you?" she snapped, an unlikely reaction to someone who was mourning the death of her husband.

"Don't be like that, Mattie. You're not going to change anything by not facing up to this."

"Who says I'm not facing up to it? Ric died in a car crash yesterday. See, there, I faced up to it," she spoke louder, walking over to the couch and sitting down.

Jack couldn't believe how calm she was, _he_ was in a worse state than she was, and he wasn't the one that was married to Ric! How could she be so cold towards the man she loved? This wasn't the real Mattie.

She sat there, clutching her hands together, swaying slowly backwards and forwards.

"It's okay to cry, Mattie. You know that don't you?" he hushed, sitting beside her.

"Of course I know that," she whispered. "It's just that whenever I cried, he'd be the one to wipe my tears away," and with those last words, she broke down. Her breathing became more erratic, and almost jaggy. Her eyes glassed over and before either of them knew it, tears were cascading down her pale cheeks and her body was being racked with sobs. She shook in hysterics; the realisation had finally dawned on her; Ric was gone.

Jack pulled her close, tighter than normally, into a brotherly hug. She held on to his shirt to steady her shaking hands. Both of them were crying now and Jack didn't care about the tears that were being shed onto his shirt. Mattie felt safe with his strong, protective arms around her, it just felt right She needed comforted and he was there.

"Shhh, Mattie, it's okay. I'm here."

"I miss him so much, Jack!" she sobbed into his shoulder. "It's been _one_ day, what am I going to be like in a _week_, after not seeing him for twenty fours hours I'm a wreck!"

"It'll get easier…"

"And you know that, how?" she questioned, lifting her body up from its previous cowering position to face Jack.

Matilda sat there patiently waiting for an answer, wiping away tears with her sleeve; it was no use though, because fresh ones set in instantly.

Jack didn't actually know it would get easier, so he didn't answer. He just looked into her eyes, searching for a familiar twinkle, but all he saw was endless darkness. Nothing.

* * *

"I didn't tell him that I loved him enough, I should have said it more. What if he died thinking that I didn't love him, Jack?" tears welled up in her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time since Jack had knocked on her door two hours ago. 

"He knew, Til."

"But maybe he didn't know exactly how much, and now it's too late!"

Jack had realised that there wasn't much he could say to make her feel better. The only thing that she took the slightest bit of comfort in was hearing that Ric didn't feel any pain when he died. Jack left out the part that he would have been dead before the car stopped rolling.

"I miss everything about him, Jack. I miss his touch, I miss kissing him, I miss shouting at him 'cause he's watching far too much TV," she stopped to let out a sad laugh. "But most of all I miss his presence. It's like everything's been sucked out of me, all of my energy and all of the love I felt. I just want him back… I loved him," she began cry uncontrollably again, running into Jack's arms once more. "I _LOVE _him!"

* * *

"Hey, where have you been?" Martha sniffed, wiping her eyes with a tissue as Jack finally came home. It was night now, and the room sat in darkness. The curtains were still closed from the previous night, shutting the world out. 

"At Mattie's. She's not coping with Ric's death at all… I just wish there was something we could do."

"I'm sure you being there is enough, I know I'd like someone to be there for me," Martha emphasized the last part. Jack had completely forgotten that his wife was also grieving, all he could think about was Matilda. Martha knew it was selfish, after all Mattie was like Jack's sister. But she was his _wife_, didn't that count for anything?

"Mac, I'm sorry. Come here," Jack sighed, pulling her into a hug.

That night Martha fell asleep in Jack's arms on the couch, after reminiscing about old times, times spent with Ric.

Jack couldn't sleep though. All he could think about was how he had held Matilda the same way as he was holding Martha now as she slept.

* * *

_'My Immortal'_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

_**Sung by 'Evanescence'** _

* * *

**Next Chapter: Get your tissues ready for the funeral.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"I can do this, I can do this," Matilda told herself as she walked in front of the mirror. Staring back at her was a reflection of a broken girl and the shattered dreams that were her future.

Her skin was pale and still blotchy around her cheeks from the crying that she had done every night before she drifted off into a sleep that was always disturbed by nightmares. Her hair had been tied back into a tight French plait; Ric always liked it when she did that. For the past week, it had been a matted mess, and hadn't seen a brush in days.

She hadn't bothered with make-up; her tears would smudge it as soon as she left the house anyway.

Tugging on her black dress, getting rid of the creases that were creeping up the silky material and turning to look around the room, she sighed. It was a complete and utter disaster. It hadn't seen a vacuum or a duster for ages, and blankets lay strewn all over the floor from when Jack had come over when she called him some nights, just wanting someone's company.

She was lonely.

* * *

"Matilda? Are you ready?" Jack called from the front door, hanging tightly on to Martha's hand, as she walked behind him.

"I'm in the kitchen! Come in!" Matilda shouted.

"How are you feeling?" Martha asked softly when they reached the kitchen.

"Oh you know, as well as can be expected," she answered, putting her earrings in at the last minute.

"We're both here, Mattie," Jack said as he laid his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly as she put her hand on top of his.

* * *

Walking out of the car, into the church was like taking the longest walk of her life. Although, it was just a few metres she had to walk, looking on at all of the residents of the Bay, old and new, young and old, strangers and old friends was like she was exposing herself. She didn't want people feeling sorry for her, she felt sorry enough for herself as it was.

Many people that had fled Summer Bay in search of better lives were back; Belle, Drew, Lucas, Jules, Annie and Lily with many others standing beside them.

Matilda let a small smile grow on her face as she walked past them all, keeping a tight grip of Jack's hand as she did so.

* * *

"When I lost Flynn, I never thought I would feel so much pain and bewilderment again, but losing Ric was just as hard. He was my son and I loved him more than life itself. I was amazed at the way he managed to turn his life around like he did, and I don't think I've ever admired anyone more than I admired him." Sally gulped the tears away, before continuing on with her speech, shortening it a little to save her emotions. "Deciding to foster Ric was the best decision Flynn and I made, he touched our lives more than anyone else did, and for that I am truly grateful. We'll always love you Ric. You've made so many people happy, and changed our lives for the better," and at that Sally stepped down from the pulpit, re-joining Brad in her seat in the front pew.

* * *

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow;  
I am the softly falling snow.  
I am the gentle showers of rain;  
I am the fields of ripening grain.  
I am in the morning hush,  
I am in the graceful rush,  
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,  
I am the star shine of the night.  
I am in the flowers that bloom,  
I am in a quiet room.  
I am in the birds that sing,  
I am in each lovely thing.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there. I did not die."

Everyone clapped as Cassie read the poem that she also read at Flynn's funeral. There wasn't a dry eye in the church now. Matilda sat there deeply in thought the whole way through.

* * *

"I hope you'll forgive me when I say that I haven't really planned this speech," Matilda started. "I never really thought I would be up here doing this. Ric always said that he'd live on forever," she stopped to let out a sob. "I should have realized that you can't rely on anything, or anyone, to be around forever, that's just life. People leave," she looked around at many old faces that were no longer living in the Bay. "And people die," she said, tears flying down her cheeks, as she looked at the coffin to her left.

"There's so much I would love to say about Ric, but there are no words to express exactly how I feel. So instead of a huge long speech, I'd like to ask you just to think about Ric on your own. About how he affected your life. Just a silence to remember him in your own way."

* * *

Jack left his seat from the one behind Matilda's to carry the coffin out, along with Brad, Lucas and Alf.

It broke Mattie's heart to think that the love of her life was confined to a box. Boxes weren't for people to be lain in. They were for objects, meaningless things. To think of the claustrophobic Ric in there, sent shivers down her spine. It didn't seem real.

* * *

Matilda, Alf, Sally, Brad, Cassie, Tony, Pippa, Martha, Lucas and Jack stood solemnly on the dark beach. It felt like someone was missing though. The day had gone surprisingly quickly, too quickly for Matilda's liking. It just meant that her final goodbye came around sooner.

She stood there, holding the urn containing Ric's ashes firmly; she was scared to let go. She blinked a few times, wishing that this was all a horrible dream that she would wake up from any minute now, but it wasn't going to happen, and she knew it.

She glanced back at the faces behind her that were shining from the tears they had shed, silently telling them that she was as ready as she would ever be.

Slowly and shakily she walked forward until she was beside the ocean. It was his favourite place, and he would always talk about the sound of the waves crashing against the shore like it was magic.

Everyone behind her was upset, just not as upset as she was. It was impossible. The pain she felt was indescribable.

"I can't do this…" she whispered to herself. "I can't let you go Ric, I'm just not ready…"

"Yes you can."

Mattie felt a warm, reassuring hand on her shoulder, and shuddered when she heard that voice. Was it really him?

She could sense someone beside her, yes, but a ghost? She had hallucinated like this in the past week, but her imagination had never conjured up something so realistic and that's when she knew he was real, and he was here to say his final goodbye.

She turned her head to the side and saw Ric standing there in the flesh. He was dressed as though he was a guest at the funeral as well. In a black suit with a white shirt and a black tie, just like Matilda would have chosen for him.

She held her tears back, refusing to let herself cry in front of him , and turned her head back to face the ocean and what lay ahead of it. She bit her lip and he gave her a knowing smile, filled with warmth and love.

"No, no I can't," she had tried so hard not to cry but as she turned to face him once again, and looked into those gorgeous blue eyes of his, tears cascaded down her cheeks, falling from her face like water trickling from a waterfall.

"Tils, you know you can. So do I. I believe in you, I always have and I always will. And no matter how much you don't believe it, I will be here for you, every day and every step of the way, I love you," Ric's words lingered in the air, as Matilda soaked them up, storing every one of them in her brain.

She managed a faint smile, before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She took the lid off the urn and slowly tipped the ashes out into the ocean. Fluttering her eyes open, she watched as they softly fell onto the water, almost sparkling as they met the calm sea. She was letting go, setting him free.

Cautiously stepping back, she turned her head in Ric's direction again, to find that he had disappeared, he was no longer there. Wiping her tears from her eyes once again, she carefully placed the lid back on the urn and set it down beside her. Crossing her arms over her chest to keep warm, she looked out to the ocean where she imagined Ric was now resting.

"I'll always love you, Ric. Always and Forever. You'll stay in my heart for all of eternity…"

"Mattie?" Jack came up from behind her, grabbing her attention by placing his hand on her shoulder. "Look."

Matilda turned in the direction that Jack was pointing in, and stood in awe.

Everyone she knew was walking towards her to music that flowed softly in the distance, with candles cupped in their hands.

Just like at Flynn's funeral, it was a candle vigil, honouring Ric. She felt a sense of pride, this was for him. This was what he deserved.

Looking up into the sky, she saw a glimmer of hope. A shooting star. Only it wasn't a shooting star, it was Ric, finally being let go. And as it burst in the sky, she swore she could see him smiling, then winking.

"Always and Forever, Ric."

* * *

_'**When I Look To The Sky'**_

_When it rains it pours and opens doors  
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry  
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love  
That have to say goodbye_

_And as I float along this ocean  
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go_

_Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me  
And you make everything alright  
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me  
And I can always find my way when you are here_

_And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day  
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before  
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss  
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away_

_And as I float along this ocean  
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave_

_Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead  
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly  
But with you I can spread my wings  
to see me over everything that life may send me  
When I am hoping it won't pass me by_

_And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me  
there you are to show me_

_Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me  
And you make everything alright  
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me  
And I can always find my way when you are here_

_Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me  
And you make everything alright  
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me  
And I can always find my way when you are here_

**_Sung by 'Train'_**

* * *

**Next Chapter: Love is hard to let go, and Matilda's struggling to cope.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Come back to me" she whispered, ignoring the taste of salty tears reaching her swollen lips. Trailing the words engraved on her husband's memorial plaque, she watched her frail fingers tremble at its touch. So many questions ran through her mind, and none of them had clear answers. Why her? Why Ric? Did she really deserve this? Was it karma?

"Dahl, would you like to come inside now, you've been out here for hours?" Irene's concerned voice interrupted her train of thought. The morning breeze blew her hair behind her face and gave her a sense of freshness as she stood up from her previous kneeling position.

Slowly turning around and wiping her eyes, almost ashamed of the tears that spilled from her eyes, she gave Irene a slight nod and let her link arms with her, walking to the diner across the road.

* * *

"Jack!" Tony shouted from the kitchen so his son could hear him from his old bedroom.

"Yeah, dad?" he asked as he came running from the hallway.

"That was Irene from the diner, she's got Mattie there." Tony now had Jack's full attention.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She thought I was the best person to call. Tilly's in a right state. She found her outside. Near Ric's plaque…"

"Say no more dad. I'll go. You're not even dressed yet." And with that Jack had grabbed his coat and disappeared from sight.

* * *

She plunged her hands into the rippling water in the sink below her. Slowly splashing it over her fragile face, the feeling of cool, refreshing water against her skin soothed the painful memories that stayed trapped within her.

It was odd how she missed the smallest details that she wouldn't have even noticed when Ric was around before – the smell of his overpowering aftershave; the always clean kitchen and even the sound of the T.V. blaring in the distance when he lazed around during the day, or at night when she was trying to get to sleep.

Matilda brought her head up and wiped it with a towel, feeling the softness of the cotton soak up the water. After placing the towel down beside her, she took a good look at herself in the mirror on the door of the medicine cabinet. Her face was pale, despite the tan that she had gained at the beach just a few weeks ago; her eyes were swollen and red, with no life in beneath them at all; her lips were white and dry and her hair stuck to her skin as the salty tears acted as glue.

She opened the cabinet, reaching for the headache pills. As she brought the box out her hand brushed up against something, something kept in a medical bag. Slowly breaking the seal on the bag, she pulled out some syringes, Ric's insulin.

Slowly, tears cascaded down her cheeks as she threw the glass syringes against the wall, hearing them shatter as they met the white tiles.

Matilda turned round and closed the medicine cabinet door and was met with the reflection of Jack standing behind her, coming to the rescue once again.

"What happened here, Mattie? I heard something smashing!" he said, breathlessly.

"How did you get in here? The door was locked?" she shouted furiously, wiping the tears away.

"I kicked it in. I thought you had hurt yourself…"

Matilda just stood there distantly, shaking her head gradually from side to side.

"I didn't even hear you…" she whispered as fresh tears and sobs escaped automatically.

"Aww Mattie, come here!" Jack scooped her up into his strong arms, leading her into the living room and laying her down on the couch.

* * *

"Did you really think I'd hurt myself like that on purpose?" Matilda curiously questioned Jack, who was sitting on the seat to her left. She sat there now holding a glass of water with a blanket wrapped around her small shoulders.

"Honestly, Mattie, I don't know. You seem worse than you were before. Irene was really concerned when she found you outside the diner this morning."

"I guess it's just become a reality now. Last week and at the funeral… I was still kind of numb. But now, now it's setting in and catching up with me. After the funeral, I realized that I couldn't keep telling myself that this wasn't reality anymore. It _is_ real and it's not going to go away. It's too hard…" she trailed off. Jack watched as a single teardrop fell from the broken girl's eye. He'd do anything to take the hurt away.

"I just want you to let me in, Tilly. Let me know what's happening in your head. We're all going through the grieving process; we all know what it's like-" Jack spoke gently before being interrupted by a stronger voiced Matilda than a few moments ago.

"You do, do you? You know what it's like to lose just about everyone in the world that you care for? And you're scared to get close to anyone because every time you have, they've either left you or died? Every person I've loved… isn't here anymore. First, there was dad, then my grandpa, and my twin brother even left me to go back to school, and then Scott and Hayley left with Noah to go to Paris and Robbie and Tasha took Ella to Boston. So with all my family, apart from mum and Kit, nowhere near me, it was bad enough! And then, then…" she paused to take a breath, "then mum went too and Kit and Kim went to the city with Archie. Would you like me to continue?" she snapped as she finished off her rant.

All Jack could do was stare at her, bewilderment and shock present in his face.

Realizing that she had just taken all of her anger out on the one person that has shown her the most support over the last two weeks, Matilda ran upstairs to her bedroom, making a quick exit.

* * *

_**'Signal Fire'** _

_The perfect words never crossed my mind,  
'cause there was nothing in there but you,  
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,  
But the sound was trapped deep in me,  
All I wanted just sped right past me,  
While I was rooted fast to the earth,  
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,  
Without your arms to drag me out._

_There you are standing right in front of me,_

In the confusion and the aftermath,  
You are my signal fire,  
The only resolution and the only joy,  
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

_No I don't want to wait forever,_

_No I don't want to wait forever._

**_Sung by 'Snow Patrol'_**

_

* * *

_**Next time: Matilda just can't seem to realise why everyone has moved on so quickly.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Jack felt so helpless. No matter how much he persisted, Matilda wouldn't listen to what he said and she wouldn't let him even try to make her feel better. Martha wasn't too thrilled that Matilda had been the focus of his attention either, meaning they were fighting even more than usual. Everything was just getting too much.

"…Jack! Are you even listening to a word I say?" Tony laughed as he waved his hand in front of his son's day dreaming face.

"Sorry dad, my mind was somewhere else," he laughed, snapping his attention back to his father.

"Anyway, as I have _already _said," Tony continued. "I think it would be a great idea to have a family picnic. You know me, you, Martha, Lucas and Mattie and Henry of course. What do you think?" Tony smiled.

"Is everyone really up to that dad? We're all still so fragile."

"Jack, it's been a month. Believe me I know more than anyone what it's like to lose someone you love," he stopped, thinking of the painful memories. Clearing his throat he went on, "We have to move on sooner or later, its just life. It will do us good to have a break and get out."

"Yeah but dad, he'll be missing. We used to always go out on picnics, the seven of us. It'll just be too weird without Ric there."

* * *

The doorbell rung as Matilda sprung from the couch and switched the television off. She was desperate for some sort of communication. Slowly but surely, her loneliness was turning into a slight depression. All she needed was someone to talk to.

"Jack, hi," Matilda gave him a small smile. She was deeply sorry for the way she had yelled at him the other day. He didn't deserve it.

"Hey. Listen I'm sorry about the other day. I shouldn't have gotten you so revved up. Peace offering?" he apologised as he drew a beautiful bouquet of lilies from behind his back.

"Oh Jack, they're gorgeous. Thank you so much! I should be the one apologising though, I didn't even know what I was doing."

"Let's just forget about it now, okay?"

"Sure."

"Good," he replied as he walked into the house giving her a kiss on the cheek on his way past.

Throwing himself onto Matilda's couch and making himself right at home, he turned the T.V. back on to find that she was watching some reality T.V. show to do with baking cakes.

"Looks like you were having fun…" he said sarcastically. "Anyway, I have a proposition for you-"

"I knew those flowers weren't just to apologise…"Mattie interrupted, before smiling sweetly.

"Ha! Nice to see you haven't gained a sense of humour yet!" Jack retaliated, while Matilda immaturely stuck her tongue out at him. It was only when she was with Jack that she cheered right up; when she was around others she behaved much differently, almost depressed. It had only been a month since Ric had been gone, and everyone knew she was still grieving. She just couldn't see when she would stop.

"You were saying?"

"Yes, I was saying… Dad wants to invite you to the family picnic we usually have. He managed to persuade me to come and I refuse to suffer like that on my own."

"Is that you're way of asking me to come?" Matilda turned serious as she joined Jack on the couch.

"Yeah, please?" Jack pouted. Then, sensing her sudden change in body language her automatically put his arm around her, watching as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Jack, you know I'm not ready for that. I'd just ruin the atmosphere by being my miserable self. You go, you'll have Martha." Matilda reasoned with him, frowning at the thought of having to go out, pretending to have fun.

"I know it's only been a month, Mattie. It'll do you some good to get out of the house-"

"I said no, okay?" Matilda stood up and walked into the kitchen. Turning her back on Jack she let the fresh tears prickle her eyes and run down her cheek, she'd gotten used to the embarrassment by now, just not in front of Jack. She couldn't let him see how vulnerable she really was.

"Hey Mattie I'm sorry I just-" Jack stood up and followed Matilda into the kitchen and broke off in mid-sentence when he noticed the glistening tears rolling down her face.

"I'm sorry, it's just this whole thing. It's like a nightmare that I haven't woken up from yet. It's so hard and everyone just expects me to get over it. How the hell do they think I'm going to do that! He was my husband for Christ's sake! I loved him. Why can't anyone see that he's only been gone a month?" her voice got louder until she was practically screaming at a traumatised Jack.

"Mattie, I'm the one who should be apologising, not you! Come here!" he eventually brought himself back down to earth and grabbed her into a hug.

"I'll try Jack. I'm just not promising anything…" came a muffled voice from his chest. He just nodded silently, embracing her and stroking her hair.

* * *

_'**Light Surrounding You'**_

'Cause I see the light surrounding you  
So don't be afraid of something new

Time was overtaking me  
And I guess I was confused  
They were all inviting me  
But I wish I had refused  
'Cause I've been there before  
And I've seen it all  
And I believe in you

And if you never had my heart  
I would've never called you back  
At the start that night  
So I want you to know

That I see the light surrounding you  
So don't be afraid of something new  
'Cause I see the light surrounding you  
So don't be afraid of what you're turning into

Blue-eyed sun shines on me  
In the morning  
Can't help but feel a little cold  
Thinking of you

* * *

**Next time: Tensions run high at the family picnic. But between who?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm so sorry for not updating sooner guys! My graphics card broke, meaning my whole computer crashed and I thought I had lost everything. It's ll fine though. Thanks for all of the reviews! **

* * *

**Chapter 7**

"Auntie Matilda!" Kayla came up to her dad's sister. "You need to save me!"

Kayla was Henry and Cassie's five-year-old daughter who had the intelligence of someone three times her age. She had glittery greens eyes and flowing blonde hair that hung loose around her shoulders.

"What is it, sweetie?" Matilda bent down so she was at equal eye-level with her niece.

"James is trying to KISS me!" she puffed and panted, sounding utterly disgusted at the thought of the idea. The expression that was on her face was priceless.

Matilda stifled a laugh. Oh, how clueless they were at that age. James was Belle and Lucas' son, who was born about the same time as Kayla. He had a bit of his mum and his dad in him. His dad's sensitivity but his mum's mischievous mind.

"You should take that as a compliment, K. It means he likes you!" Matilda played along.

"Ewww… Auntie Mattie! That's disgusting. Kissing is for grown ups. You might like it but I certainly will never do such a thing!" she put her hands on her hips to add effect to her statement.

It took every inch of will power in Matilda's body not to cry at the mention of kissing, she longed to be able to kiss her husband for one last time, but she had to stay strong. It was a family picnic that _everyone _needed after the misery that had surrounded them for the past month.

She watched as Kayla ran off again as James approached. Screaming louder and louder as if a monster was chasing her.

"Tilly!" Tony shouted from the blanket that lay on the grass, ruining Mattie's trail of thoughts. "Lunch is ready!"

* * *

"So what do you guys think?" Martha curiously asked. "It's taken a lot of thought from both of us but we feel like we are ready to take this step," she added, staring at the blank faces around her.

They were all sitting on the red and white checked picnic blanket, surrounded by empty plates

"That's great, guys!" Tony got up and gave Martha a hug and a kiss on the cheek before walking over to his son and congratulating him by taking a tight grip of him.

Matilda sat there, a little shocked and taken aback. She bit her lip to stop her saying something she knew she would regret later on.

Jack and Martha were going to have a baby. Well, they had been looking into IVF treatment, and now their first doctor's appointment was officially scheduled. They had waited until now to tell everyone, in case something went wrong, but everything seemed to be going perfectly.

"We're so excited. It's what we've wanted for such a long time," Martha continued to glow.

Mattie couldn't help notice how quiet and subdued Jack was being. Having a child was a new stage in life, so why wasn't he grinning and shouting about it to the world, like Martha was.

Also, Matilda and Jack had basically spent every waking moment with each other for the last month, especially the last two weeks, why hadn't he told her? She had let him in on all of her secrets, ones that she never thought she could share with anyone else but Ric. Did he not trust her enough? Or was there more to it?

Their marriage had certainly been rocky recently, was having a baby their one last attempt to save it?

"I hope Ric will also be looking down on us, thinking how happy he is for us. He would have loved to become an 'uncle'." Martha continued, pausing to think about her cousin for a moment.

But Ric was _already _an uncle. Did Martha not realise that Ric was part of another family apart from the Stewarts? Noah, Ella, Archie and Kayla were all Ric's nieces and nephews, and James basically was. How could Martha be so insensitive? In Matilda's opinion, Martha believed the whole world revolved around her and no one else was allowed a look in. She couldn't stand it.

* * *

Matilda stood on the beach watching the orange sun disappear below the horizon as the sun peacefully set that night. Her arms were crossed as she struggled to keep warm. There wasn't anyone there anymore to keep her warm, or offer her his jacket.

"Mattie! What are you doing out here? Look at what you're wearing, you must be freezing!" Jack came to her rescue. Wrapping his leather jacket carefully around her fragile shoulders.

"Just thinking," she replied softly.

"About?"

"Nothing in particular…"

"Come on Tilly, I know you better than that. What's going on in that head of yours? Is it Ric?" Jack asked, curious as to what was bothering her so much.

"Yeah. Well no… Partly."

"Okay. What else is it?" concern shone through in his voice.

"It's just this place," she cautiously said.

"What? The beach?"

"No you idiot!" she laughed slightly. "Summer Bay."

"I don't get it," Jack spoke nervously, somehow, even though he didn't understand he knew what was coming.

"There are so many bad memories here. I mean take today for instance, you were all having a great time, laughing and joking like you used to. Thing is… I couldn't. Without Ric here, this isn't Summer Bay anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own home, even when I'm with my family! All of the course work I've been doing for the last two years at Uni has gone down the drain just because of this one month! I can't do this anymore Jack. This isn't my home," she choked back a sob as the tears ran down her face.

"Matilda don't…" Jack's eyes also filled with salty tears as he tried his hardest to push them back in

"I'm sorry Jack. I'm leaving the Bay. As soon as possible. I need to get away for a bit. It'll just be an extended holiday, I'm going to come back one day. I just really need to get back on my feet again, and I can't do that here."

"This is about more than Ric isn't it?" Jack shouted at her.

"What? Of course it's not!" Matilda returned his snap.

"It's about the announcement Martha and I made today, isn't it?"

"How dare you?" Matilda screamed in his face. "How dare you say that I'm using my husband's death as an excuse to leave the Bay, when I'm actually just jealous!!"

"You are though, aren't you? I'm going to be a dad and you just don't seem to want to be here to witness that!" he stepped back slightly, away from Matilda's reddening face.

"Of course I want to be here! I just don't know why the hell you're going ahead with it!" she closed her mouth instantly after she realised what she had just said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," a confused Jack quietened down.

"You and Martha… Why would you bring a child into the world with a woman that you can't seem to stand anymore," she hushed. Quiet enough so that the staring eyes around her didn't hear. Jack heard though.

"You know what? You can leave the Bay. You don't need to come back for all I care! You just can't stand the fact that all my attention isn't going to be on you for a change. To be honest with you, it's about time too!" he shouted at her, before being interrupted by Alf who had come to see what all of the commotion was about.

"What's happening out here you two? I can hear your flamin' screaming from the Surf Club!" he stepped in between the two of them.

"Nothing," Matilda replied. "It's finished. It's over…" she walked away. Away from Jack and away from the life she had been selfishly leading for the past month.

The next morning she would leave Summer Bay.

* * *

**Next Time: Matilda leaves and we go six months into the future.**

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